I used to think keeping the people I care about "on track" was a way of loving them; I thought it was for their own good.
I didn’t realise that my need for calm, sturdiness, safety, or predictability was showing up as me trying to control other people’s behaviour. I thought I was just helping—offering advice, nudging them in the right direction, pointing out things they might not see.
But if I’m really honest, the change I wanted in them was actually for me. Because when someone I love is struggling, it hurts me, too—and that is what I was trying to avoid.
It’s normal to want to protect ourselves from discomfort, but I’ve learned that controlling others doesn’t actually bring the relief I’m looking for. If anything, it adds more tension to my nervous system, making me feel less calm, not more. I can’t manage someone else’s emotions, but I can find other ways to meet my need for calm.
Lately, when I notice myself slipping into that old habit, I try to meet my need of calm another way:
Getting outside – Even a few minutes in nature helps me reset.
Meditating – Slowing down my breath reminds me that I’m okay.
Journalling – Getting my thoughts onto paper stops them from spiralling.
Moving my body – Whether it’s stretching or dancing in my kitchen, movement helps shake off the tension.
Setting boundaries – Not in a rigid way, just gently making space for what I need.
Trusting that the people I love can handle their own journey has been hard, but it’s also been freeing. And the more I meet my own needs, the less I feel the urge to manage theirs.
Komentar